And it all begins again.....

Dear blog,

Several changes are continuing to be made while in progress. One, who knew almond milk wasn't all that bad. I am in the process of converting to ovo-lacto  vegetarian diet. The almond milk helps cut down my milk consumption but I can't seem to break my cheese habit, hence, the ovo-lacto part of the diet. I am cutting back my total meat consumption, boosting my whole grains, and still eating eggs and cheese as a primary protein. Also, I have boosted my water consumption a bit as well.

The results are easy to deduce. I have gone from exhausted to tired, which is a good thing. I am starting to notice the hint of my clothes fitting better. It is getting easier to sleep at night. And, I am discovering that I don't always have to eat meat. Eating quick, which is always a problem, is getting easier to work as I have introduced the occasional protein shake when necessary to fill gaps.

The only thing I've got to get back to is working out. I hope to restart that by this weekend. Based on past experience, it will take about three weeks or so but I will go from tired to less tired in short order. Ultimately, I am shooting to feel better.

B.B.

Dear blog

Dear blog,

I have not written you in a while. I must confess I should report to you more. I have rebooted the weight loss process but I have to be more aware than I was before because of the gains that I have made.

The reasons for me losing weight are too numerous to recount but some bear repeating. First, I have forgotten the lessons of mom's death. The diabetes that took her --slowly. The fact that though she knew she had it and constantly fought the ways to make her better or at least more comfortable as time progressed. I have to remind myself of the pain that the effects of the disease caused her. Though it could not be stopped, there were ways to make her going less tortuous. I am in a position to make things right. I still have time. I need to do it.

(God, you slowly reveal your calling in my life and I purpose to continue that calling until You see fit that I should complete it. I know I have my own stewardship of this time and this temple. Lord, give me strength to give up what I should and not give in to temptation. I have seen the horrible after effects of living this way. I know the fall has taken its toll on us as humanity but, Lord, keep me from stewarding my own temple in such a way as to dishonor you. Amen)

A second fact is the compounding effect on my other weaknesses. I have a heart problem, electrical and dangerous, that is further exacerbated by not taking care of myself. Every other stress I put on this problem makes daily living a chore. It is workable now but I have made comparison between having lost weight and gained some of it back. I used to feel better. I used to have more energy. I want it back.

A final fact, for know, is that I do have something for which to live. I love my wife and my hope is that I spend as much of this temporal life with her as God allows. She has stood with me through it all. I love her and, although this may seem selfish, I want to spend as much quality time as I can with her. I have my students. I have learned from them as much as I have taught. I like this exchange. I want to continue. I have the ministry that God has given me. Whatever that is, it is a privilege to live in doing a Sovereign God's will.

BA3

Beginning again...

I started to feel that which I already knew. My clothes were fitting tight again. The last five months have been harrowing to say the least. Beginning the steep climb of a dissertation, trying to finish all the seminar work - barrier tests and comps, helping my wife through her father's health, teaching at two institutions, and working on the weekend at a church, all left me with little time to do much else. I had to determine which would be left behind to focus on the others and I left behind my health. I stopped watching what I was eating. I stopped working out. Then, I started gaining back.

All the ground that I had given up. I have reclaimed. I am not back where I started from but I can feel myself edging back. I cannot. I will not. This journey has not been without its setbacks but none like this last one. I have to determine to dig deep and begin, maybe not again, but at least restart in earnest. This I will do today. The gym. The egg whites. The water. The victory. I will once again focus my resolve on being a healthy temple.

Pray for me, its going to be a journey.

Backsliding

Okay, so it has been a while again. I hope to keep better track of this thing this time. After many great strides, I have fallen back. Though I haven't gained all the weight back, I was making steady gains. What to blame or more precisely, who to blame - me. I stopped working out because I had hurt myself a couple of times. I tried to keep my eating on par but I would come and go with that. Time robbed me of the opportunity and will robbed of the reason to go work out anymore. Suddenly, I cancelled my 24 hour fitness membership. I was on the verge of giving it all up. I noticed my clothes fitting tighter, the pain in my back coming back, and the eternally tired feeling coming back. My self-esteem began to dip and self-loathing started to come back. I felt unworthy to be married to my beautiful wife.

Today, all that changed. I joined a fitness club. Once again, I will have to fight and claw my way back out, though not as far as I had. I am upset with myself that I didn't keep the self-discipline that I had. Now, I will have to dig down deep and do it.

The blog has been reactivated. I will not surrender. I will keep up the fight.

The Long Wait...

It has been a long time since I last made an entry. Life has been full of ups and downs. The weather and an ankle injury had conspired to keep me out of the gym for a while. But, I still try hard. I believe this will be my last entry for a while. Writing assignments are keeping me busy for another month or so. But, I will do my best to check in at the beginning of every month. Still striving. Still trying.

Victory

Two years. Many miles. Reaching many plateaus. Still traveling. My life has readically changed in the last two years. I am now thinner than when I was married. I have resized clothing countless times and will continue to do so. Food is just energy. Don't get me wrong. There are things I still like. Sweet tea, macaroni and cheese, and other things but they are rewards now rather than a daily goal. I am told I'm looking younger but I think that's just people being nice. The rewards don't come from food but rather from those things that can be taken for granted so easily. Walking into a clothing store that doesn't have the words big or tall in the title. Being able to go to Six Flags without fear of being bumped off a ride. Eating in a restaurant and being assured of two things: a) fitting in a regular sized booth; and b) knowing what to pick from the menu. Victory -- to hold sway over a conquered foe. This is my feeling towards food. This is my feeling towards lowered self-esteem. This is my feeling towards that which would hold me back. There is still much to do and miles to go on this journey. My hope is to be the same size I was in high school by next November. It's an ambitious goal but having a 38 inch waist is only ten inches away. Good when you consider I started out at a 62. Can it be done? Most certainly. Will it be hard? Everything worth it usually is. Check back next week. I promise.

Denoument

It's been hard to keep track of this blog. I've been busy. I've toyed with stopping entries but I can't because this has been my accountability. I will begin again next Saturday to update. My accountability will become the discipline of this journal.


So to begin again, I will summarize. These are the hard lessons I've learned in the almost two years on this journey. First, there is no substitute for hard work and perseverance. I still stand by my original statement that anyone that tells you that losing weight is easy is selling you something. There is no substitute for discipline and digging in. It is those times when you don't want to do it, whatever that is, whether it's working out, eating right, or thinking right -- that it's got to get done. There is no substitute in this world like doing right especially when doing wrong would be easier. All things are advantageous to me but only some are the better choice. Second, eating and taking care of this mortal frame is just as much a stewardship as taking care of money and time. Two scriptures that caught my attention earlier on is found in I Corinthians 3:16, 17. In these two verses Paul points out, "Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple." These verses scared me because my poor personal stewardship was causing the destruction of this temple. I understand that eventually the corruptible will take on the incorruptible but the idea of me destroying my own temple was distressing, Last, vigilance is key to taking care of the temple. In Job's speech in the 31t chapter, he sets out his defense by declaring that he has made a covenant with his eyes not to look lustfully at a woman. In the same manner, I have made a covenant with my eyes, mouth, and stomach to not look lustfully at food. Food is not wrong. We need it. But, when it becomes the totally of my existence then it is wrong. It becomes that which God warns about in Exodus 20 -- an idol. I worshipped at the altar of the plate to cover emotions, frustrations, and cares. I now focus on food as energy and a God given necessity. But, it is not the central focus.




I am grateful that God has placed me on this path. I am grateful for a faithful wife that has stood by me, literally, through thick and thin. Until next Saturday,....

A beachhead

I've been doing this for a while now and I've learned many lessons. First, eating too much is a relative thing as you lose mass. What was once the least I would consume has become the most I can consume. I can still debauch on food but it takes a lot less but still could be just as debilitating to the effort. One piece of pizza is not eight pieces but still a better choice can be made. Second, there are many different versions of the same size. I'll admit to being a bit discouraged along the way. I would lose a size and it would fit in one store but not another. It took a little education but I think I've got that there are more than one size 48 in this world. Third, discouragement still lurks around the dark corners of my mind. I'm still making strides but have hit another plateau. Initially, it was devastating but now its just a fact of life. I just have to push harder and I will. Last, sometimes people get used to the way you are. This last fact actually motivates me to keep fighting the fight. So what, I've lost over a hundred pounds. Big deal, I've still got more to lose. On the one hand, I've come a long way. On the other hand, I've still got far to go.

One thing that I must guard myself from is becoming complacent. When you become complacent, you become familiar. When you become familiar, you get stagnant. I will be at least two sizes smaller by Christmas. I will not give up despite of how complacent I've become with who I am now. I will keep fighting this fight until I've reached my goal. At this point, it is a 38 - 40 inch waist.

Onward we go

It's been three weeks since I have reported. Been a doing a bit of traveling here lately and I'll try to do better. The transformation continues as the possibilities are becoming endless. I am now in better shape than I was in my early twenties. My only regret now is that I've had to wait until now to get that way. I was in rather bad way with my heart issues when I was younger but I really could've taken better care of myself. But, the regret is short lived as the journey continues.

The change in attitude --watching the intake of that which I once considered necessary, actually caring that exercise five times a week, etc. --- has been a while in coming. I have determined that past is prologue and the present and future are my only sight. I can now run where I once literally dragged myself. I now soar where I once was grounded. No words can really capture the emotions that well inside of me when I think of how far this journey has taken me. I can scarcely wait for what is ahead. I will promise to begin, next Sunday, to go back to reporting every Saturday.

Conquer

When taking lost ground very often the small victories are just as satisfying as the large ones. Last week I reported of the feeling of freedom on a theme park ride. This week, I'm no longer afraid of restaurant booths. Booths were a flashpoint of shame and despair for me. I remember weighing over 400 pounds and going out to eat with friends after church on Sunday. The place was full and the only place open was a booth. I remember everyone slipping in comfortably and settling in. I arranged to slip in last. I couldn't even manage to squeeze into the opening much less the seat itself. After much fighting with it, I asked to pull up a chair at the end of the table. Because of the press of people at the lunch crowd, the chair was not an option. I remember that the whole party had to move or I could sit out front while they ate lunch. Miraculously, a table that could accomodate us opened up. Unfortunately, that meant everyone else had to move. Humiliating doesn't even begin to cover it. As I look back on that time, I realize that my body was once a prison. True, there were no bars or chains but still the feeling was just as stifling.

Since that time, almost six years ago, I have not wanted to sit in another booth. Lately, I have. Last Friday, I sat in booth with as much clearance as the one I previously mentioned. Yes, I did get some ptsd. I got apprehensive. Then, the boldness showed up. Confidently, I sat down and slid in to the seat. I even had enough clearence to sit sideways. This is conquer. This is why I lose.

Freedom

Okay, so I haven't visited in a month. My apologies. Yesterday, I experienced something that I haven't in quite some time. I actually was strapped into a ride at a theme park and was catapulted 32 stories in the air and felt the exhilaration of quickly leaving the ground. I fit into a theme park ride over and over again. I have had many victories over this process and this is one that I dreaded the most. When I started I could not: a) walk into a store and buy clothes off the rack any where but at a specialy store; b) stare at a table of fried foods and not consume great portions of them: c) buckle into an airplane seat without an extension; d) fit comfortably into a movie seat; and e) even consider going to a regulation theme park and ride a ride. It seems as though that ever slowly I'm being given back a life that I had all at once given up. Yesterday, as the ride began the first twenty feet and paused, I thought that I would never be in that seat. As the ride less than gently made me take flight, for a moment I could see the world unfettered. It felt good. I bought season tickets. I will return.

Travel

A guy who has lost more weight than me.

There's a trick to traveling and becoming more healthy. You have to plan. Plan to exercise. Plan to eat well. Plan to take care of yourself. I know. It may seem like a daunting task but try thinking of it this way. If you were home, you'd have to make the same adjustments. Think of it as way of continuing the habit that you have already started. Instead of choosing a hotel based on the restaurants around or in it, choose a place that either has access to a workout facility of any kind -no matter how small, it's still a workout - to keep in step, as much as possible, with your plan. Eating is a bit tricky especially if you don't have control over the menu. Eliminate the impossible. Create a protocol. With me it works this way: a) no fried; b) no simple carbs - cakes, white bread, etc.; c) no sodas - diet or otherwise, from here you build. Are there vegetables? Are there fruits? Is it grilled? By training the mind to focus on what could potentially bad for you and triaging them out of the way, it's easier to build up. Remember, food isn't a pleasure. It's a necessity. Because of it's necessity, it's always best to choose that which will give you energy than slow you down. But, what if you can't follow the protocol? Eat as small as possible and promise to add a little bit to the workout for the day. Don't carry the regret of an occasional out of sync meal. Move in and determine to keep it to a minimum. Yes, it's a lot of work but worth the payoff.

Almost a year

It's been almost a year since I started writing this blog. The changes since I have begun have almost been shocking. I write today because this week, I go to have my yearly physical. I cannot begin to imagine to what extent that my body will have reacted. What will have changed? What will be the same? I won't know until the end of the week. I do know that I am not afraid of exercise or eating less anymore. When I travel, it is more important to me that I am able to work out than where I eat. Don't get me wrong. Eating is still important. Food gives me energy instead of happiness. It gives me fuel not well being. Certainly, another year of hard work will bring me closer to that which I seek -- the ability to have my body better react to its surroundings. One lesson I have learned in the last year, the reflection may change in a month, it is better to discipline and live than to not discipline and slowly see death coming toward you. I know that sounds melodramatic. But, it is where I live now.

Doubts, fears, and triumphs

When I began this journey, I never really thought I'd get very far. The walking, the change in diet and attitude, all part of the process. So, now what? I've crossed the hundred pound barrier and now I fear I'll plateau and stop. Or, that I'll lose so much that I'll have to have surgery to deal with excess skin. No matter the circumstance, I guess it's part of the journey. I do know I'm feeling better and have more energy. I'm coming up on my first year of the blog. I'll post another update picture. Until then, my current profile pic was taken two weeks ago.

It has been a while

I have now officially lost 111 pounds. Life is getting more and more complicated at times but I know this for sure: I can't eat like I used to. Life has gotten a bit stressful at work here lately and I've had a wont to return to some old habits. My body simply won't let me. Overeating used to be where I went for stress relief but no more. I am encouraged by this new trend. I've still got about 70 more pounds to go but they don't seem so insourmountable anymore.

Can hardly wait to reach the next plateau so that I may begin again.

Where I am now...

I know that in a previous post I said I wouldn't say anything about weight anymore but, I have now cleared the 300 pound marker. As of my weigh date, Tuesday, I have now lost 106 pounds. I am now within striking distance of many goals the most of which is to find myself in a position of weighing what I weighed when I began college. But yet, another milestone, I had to have my wedding ring resized and I went from an 11 1/2 to a ten. Even now, I'm making plans to resize in the near future.

A salient moment washes over me and I realize that despite my heart problem, which has remained dormant, I feel better now than I've ever felt in my life. It's as if each new day dawns on the possibility of what better living can provide. God gives us the gift of these days not to squander but to steward. Everything I have severely cut back on - the sweets, the sodas, etc., though I must admit I occasionally indulge but not the rule, - I really don't miss. Healthy living has become my new form of emotional eating. My sincerest prayer is that I stay on this path and not look back. I remember what I felt like when I began writing this blog. I can state today that what I felt like back then is something I don't want to ever feel again.  This self-accountability is what will keep me on this journey. For the record, I am now within 80 pounds of my personal weight loss target. I now weigh 298 pounds. I started at 404. Still, no surgery, no prepared food diet, no plan, no pills, no shakes, no nothing, just simple, direct discipline. Trust me, if I can do this, so can you.

Man time flies

I managed to miss last week's entry. It was a busy day. Here I am. 104 pounds down and many more to go. I have made a decision. I will no longer be posting weight loss. Not that weight loss is not important, it's just that I know that my clothes are melting off me and that is more of what I would like to focus on for right now. I know that as the clothes sizes disappear, so does the weight. I know that any day now I will fully cross the three hundred threshhold and continue with a divine purpose to a place of maintenance. Still, my body is responding to the weight loss. I'm not as a tired as I once was and I am feeling more healthy as well.

There is much more to go but through God's help, it is not impossible. Next week, Lord willing, I hope to post the latest picture since I will have broken through a new plateau.

Stress, Eating, and Life

This week was horrible. I have been working on a Phd on an accelerated rate for three years. I have come thisclose to finishing early. This week I found out that  that would have to wait another year. The worst part is that there were components of my job that were hinging on my getting done quicker that have to wait as well. Three years to have to wait does not feel well. Cue the food.

I can look back at my life now and realize the times I've eaten the most is during times of stress. Usually it was in the form of a whole large pizza or a Chinese buffet. It was often chased with a side of processed sweets like cake or brownies. Followed closely with a bucket of frappacino. Stress also has a tendency to raise your cortisol levels which causes weight gain as well. This week....well this week it was different. This week I checked myself. I exercised when I didn't want to and ate as close as I could to what is now normal. I went out to eat a couple of times related to work but even then it was very small and not offensive. My stress eating this week -- 13 baked potato chips. That's it. My sin encompassed 2 grams of fat, 120 calories, and 23 grams of carbs. This is freedom. Yes, I went a little nuts but it was on something that was as least offensive as possible. This week I report no weight loss but I'm still at 101 pounds. It could be that with everything that has happened it was victory nonetheless. Yes, the clothes are still shedding off because the workouts are still in tact.

I hope next week goes better.

Travel and eating....

You're in the car for an inordinate period of time. You get hungry and realize that a blizzard of decisions begin to swirl in your mind. It is then that it hits you  that most choices for food on the road - other than stopping at a sit down restaurant - comes in buns, flour tortillas, or deep fried. Then, you think to yourself, my temporary inactivity won't help what I am about to eat. At that point, you either give up or give in. You have to eat. It's part of what keeps you awake on the trip. It's a bit of work but eating on the road shouldn't be something you fight to keep off the weight.

My suggestion? First, leave as close to your normal meal time as possible. So that we know, this is about being in a car for an extended period of time.  Keeping yourself on a schedule is important to keeping you from eating too much. Second, pack a lunch. I've invested in an insulated lunch box with a frozen gel pack to keep my food cold and ready to go. Lunch is usually what you consider a sack lunch - sandwich, fresh fruit, fresh veggies, maybe a bag of baked chips, a bottle of water, and a measured portion of home made trail mix. Third, if you stop and must purchase something to consume - sometimes habits are hard to break - buy either another bottle of water or a V8 juice. With only 70 calories, the juice will fill you up without creating a  tipping point. Whatever lunch you don't eat, you can string out over the day until your next meal but remember always eat in control and in portion. I have a tendency to eat small every two hours while driving long distances. Last, when you do eat, do it to keep yourself from quickly becoming more hungry but don't idly eat. Idly eating is the same thing that happens when you sit on the couch all night. Driving distances can be much the same thing. You have to focus on everything around you but driving can become a familiar activity as well.

As always, stop every once in a while to do some stretches and breath oxygen. Always keep on your schedule. Yes, I do this when I travel. Have lost another pound and a half.

Benchmark

Okay, after much work and toil, I can now report a loss of 100 pounds. A new day is about to dawn because the first time in a long time I will weigh a less than three hundred pounds. I spoke of empowerment a couple of blogs back. Today, I speak of cautioned victory. Yes, my health is taking a very positive upswing. Yes, my wardrobe is in constant flux. But, this is just the beginning of the next step.

The workout situation still continues. One way or anther, I am doing a regimen six days a week. Personal sin now includes pastries, sodas, and white bread. I can now stare down a cookie. It and other foods like it, have no hold on me. I eat slower and stop when I get full. Overeating is a habit I no longer do.

After all is said and done, there is still much more to do. For now, I relish the thought that not only am I losing weight but gaining health.