And it all begins again.....

Dear blog,

Several changes are continuing to be made while in progress. One, who knew almond milk wasn't all that bad. I am in the process of converting to ovo-lacto  vegetarian diet. The almond milk helps cut down my milk consumption but I can't seem to break my cheese habit, hence, the ovo-lacto part of the diet. I am cutting back my total meat consumption, boosting my whole grains, and still eating eggs and cheese as a primary protein. Also, I have boosted my water consumption a bit as well.

The results are easy to deduce. I have gone from exhausted to tired, which is a good thing. I am starting to notice the hint of my clothes fitting better. It is getting easier to sleep at night. And, I am discovering that I don't always have to eat meat. Eating quick, which is always a problem, is getting easier to work as I have introduced the occasional protein shake when necessary to fill gaps.

The only thing I've got to get back to is working out. I hope to restart that by this weekend. Based on past experience, it will take about three weeks or so but I will go from tired to less tired in short order. Ultimately, I am shooting to feel better.

B.B.

Dear blog

Dear blog,

I have not written you in a while. I must confess I should report to you more. I have rebooted the weight loss process but I have to be more aware than I was before because of the gains that I have made.

The reasons for me losing weight are too numerous to recount but some bear repeating. First, I have forgotten the lessons of mom's death. The diabetes that took her --slowly. The fact that though she knew she had it and constantly fought the ways to make her better or at least more comfortable as time progressed. I have to remind myself of the pain that the effects of the disease caused her. Though it could not be stopped, there were ways to make her going less tortuous. I am in a position to make things right. I still have time. I need to do it.

(God, you slowly reveal your calling in my life and I purpose to continue that calling until You see fit that I should complete it. I know I have my own stewardship of this time and this temple. Lord, give me strength to give up what I should and not give in to temptation. I have seen the horrible after effects of living this way. I know the fall has taken its toll on us as humanity but, Lord, keep me from stewarding my own temple in such a way as to dishonor you. Amen)

A second fact is the compounding effect on my other weaknesses. I have a heart problem, electrical and dangerous, that is further exacerbated by not taking care of myself. Every other stress I put on this problem makes daily living a chore. It is workable now but I have made comparison between having lost weight and gained some of it back. I used to feel better. I used to have more energy. I want it back.

A final fact, for know, is that I do have something for which to live. I love my wife and my hope is that I spend as much of this temporal life with her as God allows. She has stood with me through it all. I love her and, although this may seem selfish, I want to spend as much quality time as I can with her. I have my students. I have learned from them as much as I have taught. I like this exchange. I want to continue. I have the ministry that God has given me. Whatever that is, it is a privilege to live in doing a Sovereign God's will.

BA3

Beginning again...

I started to feel that which I already knew. My clothes were fitting tight again. The last five months have been harrowing to say the least. Beginning the steep climb of a dissertation, trying to finish all the seminar work - barrier tests and comps, helping my wife through her father's health, teaching at two institutions, and working on the weekend at a church, all left me with little time to do much else. I had to determine which would be left behind to focus on the others and I left behind my health. I stopped watching what I was eating. I stopped working out. Then, I started gaining back.

All the ground that I had given up. I have reclaimed. I am not back where I started from but I can feel myself edging back. I cannot. I will not. This journey has not been without its setbacks but none like this last one. I have to determine to dig deep and begin, maybe not again, but at least restart in earnest. This I will do today. The gym. The egg whites. The water. The victory. I will once again focus my resolve on being a healthy temple.

Pray for me, its going to be a journey.

Backsliding

Okay, so it has been a while again. I hope to keep better track of this thing this time. After many great strides, I have fallen back. Though I haven't gained all the weight back, I was making steady gains. What to blame or more precisely, who to blame - me. I stopped working out because I had hurt myself a couple of times. I tried to keep my eating on par but I would come and go with that. Time robbed me of the opportunity and will robbed of the reason to go work out anymore. Suddenly, I cancelled my 24 hour fitness membership. I was on the verge of giving it all up. I noticed my clothes fitting tighter, the pain in my back coming back, and the eternally tired feeling coming back. My self-esteem began to dip and self-loathing started to come back. I felt unworthy to be married to my beautiful wife.

Today, all that changed. I joined a fitness club. Once again, I will have to fight and claw my way back out, though not as far as I had. I am upset with myself that I didn't keep the self-discipline that I had. Now, I will have to dig down deep and do it.

The blog has been reactivated. I will not surrender. I will keep up the fight.

The Long Wait...

It has been a long time since I last made an entry. Life has been full of ups and downs. The weather and an ankle injury had conspired to keep me out of the gym for a while. But, I still try hard. I believe this will be my last entry for a while. Writing assignments are keeping me busy for another month or so. But, I will do my best to check in at the beginning of every month. Still striving. Still trying.

Victory

Two years. Many miles. Reaching many plateaus. Still traveling. My life has readically changed in the last two years. I am now thinner than when I was married. I have resized clothing countless times and will continue to do so. Food is just energy. Don't get me wrong. There are things I still like. Sweet tea, macaroni and cheese, and other things but they are rewards now rather than a daily goal. I am told I'm looking younger but I think that's just people being nice. The rewards don't come from food but rather from those things that can be taken for granted so easily. Walking into a clothing store that doesn't have the words big or tall in the title. Being able to go to Six Flags without fear of being bumped off a ride. Eating in a restaurant and being assured of two things: a) fitting in a regular sized booth; and b) knowing what to pick from the menu. Victory -- to hold sway over a conquered foe. This is my feeling towards food. This is my feeling towards lowered self-esteem. This is my feeling towards that which would hold me back. There is still much to do and miles to go on this journey. My hope is to be the same size I was in high school by next November. It's an ambitious goal but having a 38 inch waist is only ten inches away. Good when you consider I started out at a 62. Can it be done? Most certainly. Will it be hard? Everything worth it usually is. Check back next week. I promise.

Denoument

It's been hard to keep track of this blog. I've been busy. I've toyed with stopping entries but I can't because this has been my accountability. I will begin again next Saturday to update. My accountability will become the discipline of this journal.


So to begin again, I will summarize. These are the hard lessons I've learned in the almost two years on this journey. First, there is no substitute for hard work and perseverance. I still stand by my original statement that anyone that tells you that losing weight is easy is selling you something. There is no substitute for discipline and digging in. It is those times when you don't want to do it, whatever that is, whether it's working out, eating right, or thinking right -- that it's got to get done. There is no substitute in this world like doing right especially when doing wrong would be easier. All things are advantageous to me but only some are the better choice. Second, eating and taking care of this mortal frame is just as much a stewardship as taking care of money and time. Two scriptures that caught my attention earlier on is found in I Corinthians 3:16, 17. In these two verses Paul points out, "Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple." These verses scared me because my poor personal stewardship was causing the destruction of this temple. I understand that eventually the corruptible will take on the incorruptible but the idea of me destroying my own temple was distressing, Last, vigilance is key to taking care of the temple. In Job's speech in the 31t chapter, he sets out his defense by declaring that he has made a covenant with his eyes not to look lustfully at a woman. In the same manner, I have made a covenant with my eyes, mouth, and stomach to not look lustfully at food. Food is not wrong. We need it. But, when it becomes the totally of my existence then it is wrong. It becomes that which God warns about in Exodus 20 -- an idol. I worshipped at the altar of the plate to cover emotions, frustrations, and cares. I now focus on food as energy and a God given necessity. But, it is not the central focus.




I am grateful that God has placed me on this path. I am grateful for a faithful wife that has stood by me, literally, through thick and thin. Until next Saturday,....