And so it goes...

Another reveal today. One of the reasons I began the journey is so that I could fit in the seat of a plane. Flying is both humiliating and degrading if you weigh a lot. But, fly I must for I am going on an sub-journey to the overarching journey. I am going to Israel. The result of a generous donor allowing myself and others the opportunity to see the Holy Land. It is an honor and a solemn privilege to go but one that at first had given me pause. I was used to the idea of suffering through a short flight but this one is going to be for a long time. I feel that I've lost sufficient weight to cut down on the pain but only experience will tell. Please understand its not the airlines fault the seats are so small, its mine for having allowed myself to be put in the situation. But, even with misgivings, I think this will be a valuable lesson to the testimony of will power. In another few months, it will get easier and in either case God will get the glory of the triumph.

I will be writing tomorrow but out for nine days afterward. When I return, I'll let you know all about it. For now, I am actually looking forward to the challenge. My hope is that all will go well.

Remember, October 30 is on the way.

No turning back....

There are days when it seems I just want to stop all of this. But, I am reminded of where I once was and the motivation returns. It's not that I am weary but taking on a new habit is a bit of work. Most days, the journey is easy to slip into. Some days, it's a bit hard. The mind that God has given me keeps focusing on the prize. The end of this journey into maintenance. I am almost halfway there. I've come to far to turn back and there is enough ahead to keep me motivated.

The walking, the change in eating, the switch in attitude, all work to be one for the greater good. In my case, it is to honor God in the losing and to fulfill His will in the gaining of confidence and strength. To give my body as a sacrifice for the purpose of doing what God asks of me as the very least. It is from scripture that I take this comfort: "Everyone who competes exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. Therefore, I run in such a way, as not without I am; I box in such a way, as not beating the air, but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified." I Corinthian 9:25-27 (NASB). I do all that I do walk, lift, eat, and breath to discipline myself to the task of God's calling for me. In a manner of speaking, I do this to worship God and strive for the prize of His glory.

October 30 is on its way.

So this is what its like...

to retrain your mind and direction. In an earlier blog, I wrote about triggers that used to cause me to eat. With the situation I'm working through right now, I found out its still in full swing. Today, I actually found myself craving something bad for the wrong reasons. It was innocuous, a piece of pie. In the grand scheme of things, the sacrifice wouldn't have been that great. It's really okay to indulge every once in a while. But, I would have done it for the wrong reasons. I do my best to try to keep my indulgences small like a mini version of a candy bar or maybe a small serving of ice cream. I love apple pie. Seriously, just love the flavor, the texture, the way it illuminates my senses, and the way it seems to settle my nerves is amazing. Again, I occasionally eat desert, it's not a big deal. But today, I would've wanted to eat to fill a need. In this case, the need was that I'm still dealing with a couple of family issues that are painful. I would've eaten to dull the pain and that is never good. That is how I had to be put on the journey in the first place. Given a different day and circumstance it might have been different. Today, I wanted to buy and eat the whole pie but didn't. Maybe some other day, I will eat that small piece. But for today, it wasn't right. This is what its like to retrain your mind. For the record, I had V8 and a bottle of water instead.

October 30 is just a few weeks away.

Ever marching....

Another interesting turn on the journey is clothes. Clothes, at times, are as much as how they make you feel as how they fit on you. When you start where I was, there was the perception in your mind and the reality in the mirror. Used to, I would reflect in my mind and thought I looked okay but in all reality I wasn't. I wore bigger clothes than would fit in the hopes of covering my size but it didn't. It somehow managed to make me look bigger. As a result, I felt bad. As I began to lose weight, I would pass through the sizes and begin to see more and more the reality of my situation. I am not now where I aim to go. But, now when I put on clothes the perception in my mind and the reality in the mirror are slowly beginning to reconcile. Now when I look in the mirror, I see the reality of someone who can overcome because he turned not just his mind over but his body as well for God's use.

I'll admit. I got to see myself in the mirror today and it almost moved me to tears. Everyday that I walk, work out, eat right, and maintain a positive attitude, I become more of what I'm supposed to be - fit not thin. It is my firmest conviction that my self esteem comes not from me but from the God who made me.

October 30 will soon be here.

Opportunities missed. Habits unlearned.

Back in the day, when I felt that life was getting crazy, I would eat to make myself feel better. I remember when I felt sad or grief, it was not unusual to consume much to try and plug the hole that circumstances had left. Today, I began to feel the want coming back. There have been some personal issues arise in my life that in the past would've been triggers for the binge. Instead, all that my body would let me consume is a total of three ounces of turkey, three ounces of ham, three ounces of cheese, two slices of whole wheat bread, two slices of 12 grain bread, 1/2 cup of 12 grain granola, 4 oz. of yogurt, 4 sun chips, a small handful of raisins, a sip of Welch's grape juice, 1/4 cup of almonds and a about 80 ounces of water. Not all at once, but over the course of a day that began at 6:30am. This may be hard to believe but that is all my body wanted today. I did my usual walk this evening in the exchange.

When all is said and done today, it is a phenomenal change from what used to happen. I would hit a fast food restaurant for breakfast, a Chinese buffet for lunch, and, if possible something fried for dinner. As binges go, today's wasn't too bad. I don't feel uncomfortable. This is what happens when you change a habit. It is possible. It just takes patience and determination.

Remember, October 30 is on its way. For the record, I am keeping in step with my discipline. I lost another two pounds for a total of 86 pounds and counting. Keep the faith.

The joy and pain of the losing...

Today, I began circuit weight training. Pretty much, the circuit is a series of machines that look like holdovers from the Inquisition. Somehow, you manage to twist yourself into the thing so that you can perform repititions that will help tone different muscle groups. There is a series of about 25 where I go work out. I got to 18. I did a series of 15 reps per machine at 100 pound limit. I hadn't done this in a while so it took a bit of getting used to again. I had done my walk earlier in the day which was a stroke of genius for me. Had I done both the walk and circuit it may very well have spelled my demise or insanity. I got through 18 at which point my body said, "no more for right now please." Maybe next time I'll get to nineteen. Perhaps I'll start out with a smaller weight. Either way, I do feel sore in places that I'm not sure were meant to be. I'll recover. Somehow. I always do.

Thank God for paying attention to my body. I felt like wet noodle for a while. Now, I just feel tired and ready for bed. Tomorrow is my weekly weigh in day. I'm nervous. Are you? Remember, October 30 is just over two months away.

Blog supplemental...

I wrote this morning because I missed my entry for Monday. Tonight, we get back on track. Today, I pushed harder than I have since beginning this journey. I had been walking based on distance but somewhere in the mix I started walking based on continuous time. For example, I marked off 50 minutes in mind by adjusting for time with the help of a playlist on my mp3 player. Up to today, I had been satisfied with those minutes. Today, I went over an hour. I have to admit I was scared yet a little exhilarated. Am I a touch tired now? Yes, but I pushed further. I accomplished the "next" thing. I almost feel invincible. Tomorrow, I begin working with weights that are heavier than my thirty at home. I'm beginning to feel the effects of my slowly shrinking self in that I must begin to tone. Another accomplishment will soon be realized.

So what is it like to know that in just a very few short weeks that I will feel healthier than I ever have? It feels wonderful. There's just no other words to describe it.

I feel the work of God in me through this journey. To be able to repair the temple, gives me yet another important purpose in life. Perhaps one day, I can show others how to begin their journey. I guess I'll leave that for another day.

October 30? It will be here before anyone knows it.

So now what....

Food has become a different commodity to me. Food used to be another god that would fulfill some odd emotional need in time of crisis. Buffets were my church and getting the most food at the smallest price used to be my worship. In short, I was using food for a purpose it wasn't designed. Don't get me wrong. I still like to eat. The reasons have been tempered.

Now, food is a means of energy. I do my best to eat foods that won't slow me down. Cutting out white bread has been a saving grace with me. I only eat the dense stuff with grains now. I eat less candy, again only every once in a while, and more fruit. I no longer crave sweets like I used to. Vegetables of every kind were a burden to me but now they have became that which makes me feel full. I can now reach the middle of the day and not be tired. Part of that is the weight loss and part of that is the stewardship of what goes in my mouth.

Being able to be fit for kingdom work has now become my reason. And to think, food, and its proper use, is part of God's will for our life.

Remember, October 30 is getting closer.

Away we go...

Walking has been the best rediscovery in this process. I find a track or walkway. I put the headphones on and then I am away. In my head, I review the waste that I have experienced because I have waited this long. I am 44. I wish now that I had stuck to this when I was 24. But, all that can be done is to look ahead to the time when this journey will turn from determination to maintenance. Walking is slowly releasing the bonds that held me to catastrophic disease, chronic fatigue, and claustrophobia in my own skin. I understand that we should all accept who we are. I also know that the person I was, was not the person I was supposed to be.

The end of this journey will come not when I have reached a magic weight, distance traveled, or calories counted. The end will come when I agree with my body that I will never again put myself in harm's way. Perhaps just a shade away from context, a scripture caught hold in my thinking. The passage is from I Corinthians 3: 16, 17,

Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? If any man destroys the temple of God, God will destroy him, for the temple of God is holy, and that is what you are.

Since, I am this temple that the apostle Paul spoke of, then I needed to take better care of this stewardship. Since it was a certainty my body was a temple, then it was in disrepair. God grant me the strength to keep repairing.

October 30 is on its way.

Making a new habit...

Of all the different approaches that I researched to help continue and maintain my weight loss (I'm still working on it after all), I was able to see a lot of stuff that was useless, some that was dangerous, other that was odd, and very little that made any sense. One thing that I have learned is that to truly take weight off is a combination of work and fortitude. Don't let anyone tell you that properly losing weight includes the words "in a just a few easy steps"; "it's that quick and you don't have to sweat to lose" - among other things. You don't look back and say, "I did this right from my couch." Losing weight is a rather hard combination of denying yourself, defying the odds, and defeating any urge you might have to make yourself unhealthy.

To go back to the beginning of this entry, I offer the most classic way to lose weight. It is walking. We all do it. Yet, it is not something we have a tendency to do unless it is almost completely necessary. I didn't start out at three miles a day. I actually started out by using the vitamin supplement with the weight loss stuff to help lessen my intake. It took me from October until June to even lose enough weight to begin to work out. I then began to take the stairs more often than the elevator. In June, I purchased a thirty pound hand weight system to help tone as I lose. I followed with a series of exercises that we used to do in PE when I was in school. The last layer to add was the walking. More on that tomorrow.

I have decided to slack up on the pictures for right now. Too many bad memories and not enough pictures. Also, I wasn't too keen on pictures at the time. Remember, there is a picture coming on October 30.

Continuing on....

The picture was taken on November 29, 2008.

For me, losing weight was as much a mental thing as it was a physical thing. It wasn't one of those situations where I first visualize myself thin and use that as a guide. I had to consider the full impact of what losing weight would do. My self-loathing eventually turned into determination. My determination turned into discipline. My discipline has turned into practice. I also determined that my intrinsic motivation had to deal less with looking good and more with feeling good. Looking good can be transient at best but feeling good can force you out of bed on a day that the walk or exercise you need may not be your first choice. Sleeping hard and waking up refreshed has become one of the by products of the journey. The energy to complete a hard, exhausting day is worth the effort of not eating more than is required and drinking more water than anything else.

For me the supernatural strength that only God could give is the impetus for me to push me to be a better servant and person. My self-esteem comes not from what I am but from Whose I am. So, why am I doing this? Tomorrow, we'll delve into it a bit more.

October 30. Coming soon.

BA

Choices, choices, choices...

November 2008 again. You have to basically retrain your thinking so that what is harmful to you does not run you and what is good for you does not become irrelevant. Changing habits is very hard, especially if comfort is part of the bargain. What you take in as nutrition should be a pleasing part of the day but it shouldn't be imbalanced.

Breakfast now begins in various ways. A bowl of granola with low fat yogurt. Two servings of fruit with slice of 12 grain toast. Snacks in the morning is usually vegetables and in the afternoon it is most likely fruit. Lunch is usually the biggest meal of the day but it consists of at least two vegetables, a meat, and either fruit or something like that. I do eat dinner out every once in a while but I try to make certain it falls in the parameters of healthy or at least make an attempt not to eat too much of it. I take in lots of water.

The most amazing part of this process is that I now get full much quicker which means that I have to be very careful about what I take in. If it is not to be necessarily good for me, I either don't eat it or eat very small amounts. It has become apparent to me that the healthier I eat the more it takes to get me full. Odd though that is, it is the cornerstone of the intake part of my weight loss.

I officially weighed on a medical scale today and discovered I have lost an official 84 pounds. Don't forget October 30 will come real soon.

BA

How to change a paradigm...

This is me. November 29, 2008 at a memorial service for mom and dad. I was just beginning the journey and still trying to figure out what's what. I thought perhaps it would be good to give a little more exposition that would help explain why I kept putting off starting the journey. I am a husband still in love with his wife and willing to make her priority over everything right after God. I am a professor by calling and trade. I am currently working on closing up a Phd. I could say that my schedule kept me from doing anything about my problem but that would be foolish. I could say that my grief caused me from going forward but everyone goes through something. Simply put, I just didn't want to do it.

When this picture was taken, I had already made the decision to change. I was two months in to the enhanced vitamins that I was taking and had already begun to alter my eating. The only problem was that if you lose with very little gimmick, it does not come off right away. I had to determine not to eat certain foods. First went the sodas, which I now occasionally drink but only the 100 calorie kind. Then went the sweets which at first seemed worse than it was. Then went a list of foods or situations that I knew were my extreme weaknesses - buffets, fried foods, deserts, pizza, chinese food, and fast food in general were the start. Now, I still have pizza once in a while but it is a great while and I don't take in anymore than I am willing to suffer through later. Translation, two pieces that's it, period. Deserts are not out of the question but only small amounts and only if I share. I have grown in appreciation for Applebee's desert shooters when it just has to happen. I discovered I was eating in my car a bunch which meant that I had to begin to plan food ahead of time which was no great feat considering my schedule. I was up before dawn and asleep past dark. I told myself that I would be rewarded for working so hard. Yes, you can see the reward in the picture. Once I determined that I had to make an exchange, I began to discover that if you eat the right amount of raw fruits, vegetables, and nuts, it's possible to keep things in check.

Overall, I still eat fast food but I am very judicious about what I order. I know it drives them nuts but it is possible to get a dry chicken sandwich, two chicken soft tacos will still do the trick, and no more hamburgers. Discipline is the key as is constantly staying aware of what I am consuming at the time.

Tomorrow, we'll walk through what a typical day looks like for me as far as food. Remember, October 30 is coming soon.

BA

The Story continues

This picture was taken on April 13, 2008.

Options: Lose weight or die! Cut and dry. Clean and simple. Because of the heart problem I had under control, I was left with the aftermath of being on coumadin until further notice. For those not familiar with the term, coumadin is a blood thinner that helps reduce the incidence of clots in the body. Therefore, no surgery to lose the weight. No lap band, no stapling, no stomach reduction, no surgery whatsoever. I couldn't fast the weight off because in all reality the body will adversely react because it thinks that you are starving. As a result, you gain it all back. Seriously, I've tried it before and it wasn't the best way.

So, what to do. The only weapons left in my arsenal: pity, despair, emptiness, or discipline. I really can't say what got me where I was at. I do remember eating to give me comfort when my family began to die one by one. My grandmother in 1998. My father in 1999. My grandfather in 2000. My mother in 2008. I remember thinking it was a better idea to take care of things than to take care of myself. I remember the loathing that I had when I looked at the mirror or even pictures like the one at the top of this entry. I must admit to beginning to feel sorry for my wife who had to sleep next to me and even anyone that had to be in my presence for any length of time. On October 22, 2008, all that changed. My mom died that day and I began the wait for the death certificate. When I got the death certificate, it became clear to me I had to do something. It was a decision that no amount of self-pity, self-loathing, or despair was going to jump start. So, it began.

For the record, it is my sincerest goal to be able to post a picture of what I currently look like on October 30. The date is roughly the anniversary of my encounter with mom's death certificate. I know it's only August 18 but, hey, it's not that far away. Really.

The story so far...

I wasn't always fat. I must say that I am neither ashamed of the word nor am I afraid of the word. Its what I am. Hey, I'm BA and I am overweight. As a child, I was five and weighed thirty pounds. As I grew, I was husky. When I got into high school, I was chunky. When I graduated, for a brief shining moment, I was thinner but all that changed. I became more sedentary and less active. Before I knew it, I had to weigh at the post office. If I remember correctly, I began this journey weighing 440 pounds. I remember the discomfort. I remember looking in the mirror and asking myself, "How could anyone love me?" I got on phen-fen and it almost killed me.

Oh, did I mention that I had a heart problem already. Yes, born with one that could be corrected but hampered by my weight. With a Divine blessing, I was married and my long-suffering wife has stayed with me through the ups and downs. I credit her with sticking with me through it all and giving me the encouragement to not stop. I credit the incredible hand of God with give me the strength to overcome.

There is always a turning point, a red flag, or a trumpet blast to get your attention. My father died about ten years ago and I remember being uncomfortable. Recently, I looked at the pictures and discovered where all the grief manifested itself. It was in my size 66 suit. My mother passed away less than a year ago which is where cold facts finally caught up with me. We often here that morbid obesity can be a cause of death. Those two words are a mere abstract until you actually see them on a death certificate. Those two words were the secondary reasons my mother passed away. The primary reason was complications from diabetes. Her death was my wake up call. Her final months were excruciating and ones that I wanted to avoid for myself as much as possible.

And so begins the journey...I began my taking a vitamin supplement that had green tea extract and guarana. I then took steps to slowly change my eating habits. I started out at 402 pounds. This blog will be the record of the loss that I hope to experience now that will keep me from a worse loss later. So, how much have I lost since I started...you'll find out later. For now, the picture above is what I looked like on November 26, 2008. Today, I weigh 348. Tomorrow...Once a week, I will return to give an update. My goal--195. I'll get there.

Sincerely,

BA