Backsliding

Okay, so it has been a while again. I hope to keep better track of this thing this time. After many great strides, I have fallen back. Though I haven't gained all the weight back, I was making steady gains. What to blame or more precisely, who to blame - me. I stopped working out because I had hurt myself a couple of times. I tried to keep my eating on par but I would come and go with that. Time robbed me of the opportunity and will robbed of the reason to go work out anymore. Suddenly, I cancelled my 24 hour fitness membership. I was on the verge of giving it all up. I noticed my clothes fitting tighter, the pain in my back coming back, and the eternally tired feeling coming back. My self-esteem began to dip and self-loathing started to come back. I felt unworthy to be married to my beautiful wife.

Today, all that changed. I joined a fitness club. Once again, I will have to fight and claw my way back out, though not as far as I had. I am upset with myself that I didn't keep the self-discipline that I had. Now, I will have to dig down deep and do it.

The blog has been reactivated. I will not surrender. I will keep up the fight.

The Long Wait...

It has been a long time since I last made an entry. Life has been full of ups and downs. The weather and an ankle injury had conspired to keep me out of the gym for a while. But, I still try hard. I believe this will be my last entry for a while. Writing assignments are keeping me busy for another month or so. But, I will do my best to check in at the beginning of every month. Still striving. Still trying.

Victory

Two years. Many miles. Reaching many plateaus. Still traveling. My life has readically changed in the last two years. I am now thinner than when I was married. I have resized clothing countless times and will continue to do so. Food is just energy. Don't get me wrong. There are things I still like. Sweet tea, macaroni and cheese, and other things but they are rewards now rather than a daily goal. I am told I'm looking younger but I think that's just people being nice. The rewards don't come from food but rather from those things that can be taken for granted so easily. Walking into a clothing store that doesn't have the words big or tall in the title. Being able to go to Six Flags without fear of being bumped off a ride. Eating in a restaurant and being assured of two things: a) fitting in a regular sized booth; and b) knowing what to pick from the menu. Victory -- to hold sway over a conquered foe. This is my feeling towards food. This is my feeling towards lowered self-esteem. This is my feeling towards that which would hold me back. There is still much to do and miles to go on this journey. My hope is to be the same size I was in high school by next November. It's an ambitious goal but having a 38 inch waist is only ten inches away. Good when you consider I started out at a 62. Can it be done? Most certainly. Will it be hard? Everything worth it usually is. Check back next week. I promise.

Denoument

It's been hard to keep track of this blog. I've been busy. I've toyed with stopping entries but I can't because this has been my accountability. I will begin again next Saturday to update. My accountability will become the discipline of this journal.


So to begin again, I will summarize. These are the hard lessons I've learned in the almost two years on this journey. First, there is no substitute for hard work and perseverance. I still stand by my original statement that anyone that tells you that losing weight is easy is selling you something. There is no substitute for discipline and digging in. It is those times when you don't want to do it, whatever that is, whether it's working out, eating right, or thinking right -- that it's got to get done. There is no substitute in this world like doing right especially when doing wrong would be easier. All things are advantageous to me but only some are the better choice. Second, eating and taking care of this mortal frame is just as much a stewardship as taking care of money and time. Two scriptures that caught my attention earlier on is found in I Corinthians 3:16, 17. In these two verses Paul points out, "Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple." These verses scared me because my poor personal stewardship was causing the destruction of this temple. I understand that eventually the corruptible will take on the incorruptible but the idea of me destroying my own temple was distressing, Last, vigilance is key to taking care of the temple. In Job's speech in the 31t chapter, he sets out his defense by declaring that he has made a covenant with his eyes not to look lustfully at a woman. In the same manner, I have made a covenant with my eyes, mouth, and stomach to not look lustfully at food. Food is not wrong. We need it. But, when it becomes the totally of my existence then it is wrong. It becomes that which God warns about in Exodus 20 -- an idol. I worshipped at the altar of the plate to cover emotions, frustrations, and cares. I now focus on food as energy and a God given necessity. But, it is not the central focus.




I am grateful that God has placed me on this path. I am grateful for a faithful wife that has stood by me, literally, through thick and thin. Until next Saturday,....

A beachhead

I've been doing this for a while now and I've learned many lessons. First, eating too much is a relative thing as you lose mass. What was once the least I would consume has become the most I can consume. I can still debauch on food but it takes a lot less but still could be just as debilitating to the effort. One piece of pizza is not eight pieces but still a better choice can be made. Second, there are many different versions of the same size. I'll admit to being a bit discouraged along the way. I would lose a size and it would fit in one store but not another. It took a little education but I think I've got that there are more than one size 48 in this world. Third, discouragement still lurks around the dark corners of my mind. I'm still making strides but have hit another plateau. Initially, it was devastating but now its just a fact of life. I just have to push harder and I will. Last, sometimes people get used to the way you are. This last fact actually motivates me to keep fighting the fight. So what, I've lost over a hundred pounds. Big deal, I've still got more to lose. On the one hand, I've come a long way. On the other hand, I've still got far to go.

One thing that I must guard myself from is becoming complacent. When you become complacent, you become familiar. When you become familiar, you get stagnant. I will be at least two sizes smaller by Christmas. I will not give up despite of how complacent I've become with who I am now. I will keep fighting this fight until I've reached my goal. At this point, it is a 38 - 40 inch waist.

Onward we go

It's been three weeks since I have reported. Been a doing a bit of traveling here lately and I'll try to do better. The transformation continues as the possibilities are becoming endless. I am now in better shape than I was in my early twenties. My only regret now is that I've had to wait until now to get that way. I was in rather bad way with my heart issues when I was younger but I really could've taken better care of myself. But, the regret is short lived as the journey continues.

The change in attitude --watching the intake of that which I once considered necessary, actually caring that exercise five times a week, etc. --- has been a while in coming. I have determined that past is prologue and the present and future are my only sight. I can now run where I once literally dragged myself. I now soar where I once was grounded. No words can really capture the emotions that well inside of me when I think of how far this journey has taken me. I can scarcely wait for what is ahead. I will promise to begin, next Sunday, to go back to reporting every Saturday.

Conquer

When taking lost ground very often the small victories are just as satisfying as the large ones. Last week I reported of the feeling of freedom on a theme park ride. This week, I'm no longer afraid of restaurant booths. Booths were a flashpoint of shame and despair for me. I remember weighing over 400 pounds and going out to eat with friends after church on Sunday. The place was full and the only place open was a booth. I remember everyone slipping in comfortably and settling in. I arranged to slip in last. I couldn't even manage to squeeze into the opening much less the seat itself. After much fighting with it, I asked to pull up a chair at the end of the table. Because of the press of people at the lunch crowd, the chair was not an option. I remember that the whole party had to move or I could sit out front while they ate lunch. Miraculously, a table that could accomodate us opened up. Unfortunately, that meant everyone else had to move. Humiliating doesn't even begin to cover it. As I look back on that time, I realize that my body was once a prison. True, there were no bars or chains but still the feeling was just as stifling.

Since that time, almost six years ago, I have not wanted to sit in another booth. Lately, I have. Last Friday, I sat in booth with as much clearance as the one I previously mentioned. Yes, I did get some ptsd. I got apprehensive. Then, the boldness showed up. Confidently, I sat down and slid in to the seat. I even had enough clearence to sit sideways. This is conquer. This is why I lose.